Oh, Michelle, look at you. Your very first cleaning belt.
Honey, it seems like only yesterday
you could barely hold a Handi Wipe,
and now look at you, sweetheart. You got your own squeegee.
I'm really growing up.
Yes, you are.
You know, I'm gonna tell you a little secret.
D.J. and Stephanie, they've never really
fully appreciated the beauty of tidiness.
But you, Michelle,
you are the one that can carry the Tanner tradition
of total cleanliness into the 21st century.
I can do it.
I know you can. Because what are we?
We're the lean, mean, cleaning machine.
Let the spring-cleaning begin.
You know what, before we call the others in,
let's practice your squeegee technique
on this table right here. Okay?
Okay, take out your squeegee.
Now, feet spread slightly apart,
shoulders level.
Okay, choke up on the handle.
Now, keep your eye on the dirt at all times.
Do it, baby.
You're a natural.
I learned from the best.
[BLOWS]
[JESSE FREDERICK'S "EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪
♪ Ahhh ♪
♪ Whatever happened To predictability ♪
♪ The milkman The paperboy ♪
♪ Evenin' TV? ♪
♪ How did I get Delivered here? ♪
♪ Somebody tell me, please ♪
♪ This whole world's Confusin' me ♪
♪ Flowers as mean ♪
♪ As you've ever seen ♪
♪ Ain't a bird Who knows your tune ♪
♪ Then a little voice Inside you whispers: ♪
♪ "Kid, don't sell your dreams So soon" ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪ ♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪ ♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪ ♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out there And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waitin' To carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪
♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪
[♪♪♪]
Ready? Peekaboo.
Where's Mommy?
Peekaboo. Where's Mommy?
JOEY [AS BABY]: Behind your hands. What am I, a dummy?
Joey.
[GASPS] Joey, look!
Nicky's crawling!
My baby can crawl!
Oh, my gosh, Becky, your son's turned into a walrus.
Jess! Jess, come quick!
Oh, your dad is gonna be so proud of you.
What?
Jess, you have to see what Nicky did.
Hey, it's your turn to change him.
No, Jess, Nicky can crawl. Look.
Doesn't crawling involve some sort of movement?
Well, I swear, honey,
he was just crawling up a storm a minute ago.
Go get the camera so we can videotape it.
All right. BECKY: Jess! Quick!
What?
The kid's a potato.
Jess, I swear, he was really hauling tush.
Yeah, it's true, honey.
He just doesn't do it when you're around.
All right, fine. I'll just sit here until he crawls.
BECKY: Jess! JESS: What?
Nothing.
Guess what day it is?
It's spring-cleaning day.
The happiest day of the year.
All right. Come on, let's humor him.
It's time to clean. Let's squeegee!
Dad, do we have to do this today?
The dirt'll be here next weekend.
Yeah, it's the first sunny day in weeks.
Don't worry, you guys are gonna get to go outside.
One of your jobs is to polish and clean the mailbox.
Hot dog.
Danny, it's your own personal Christmas.
What fun do you have in store for us today?
Well, this could be the most exciting
spring-cleaning since '88.
Oh, yeah, that was the year
I got to Simonize the rain gutters.
Hey, Jess, maybe you can take the rain gutters this year.
My ship has finally come in.
Okay, everybody.
It is time for the traditional handing out of the assignments.
Okay. Excuse me.
Each area of responsibility has been personally selected
to reflect the strengths and abilities
of each and every member of the cleaning crew.
Aw, man, I got toilets again?
Well, who knows 'em better than you, really?
What's my job, Daddy?
What's your job?
You get to be Daddy's special helper.
I'm Daddy's special helper.
Well, pin a rose on your nose.
Okay, troops, dirt is the enemy. We take no prisoners.
Now, get out there and make me proud.
On your mark, get set, clean!
Grab your Brillo and your broom.
ALL: Grab your Brillo and your broom.
Danny is a loony tune.
ALL: Danny is a loony tune.
Sound off...
How did I get stuck waxing this guy?
Hola, Tanneritos.
Hi, Kimmy.
Come on, Deej.
The football team's having a car wash.
If we hurry, we can see
the entire defensive line in wet tank tops.
Sorry, Kimmy, but we're doing spring-cleaning.
Hey, dad will be happy.
There's only one wad of Joey's gum under here this year.
All right, I'm finished with the fireplace.
Let's see what's next.
Clean the logs?
Well, there. I finished cleaning every toilet in the house.
They're spotless.
So if you have to go to the bathroom,
please go to the Texaco station.
What's wrong with you people?
How can you get this house any cleaner?
It's already the cleanest house in America.
For the first time, Gibbler actually is makin' some sense.
Had to happen some time.
Fresh sponges.
Get 'em while they're hot.
Danny, we don't need sponges, all right.
We did all our jobs. The house is clean.
We're out of here.
We'll see you later. Bye.
DANNY: Freeze!
Are you telling me you guys cleaned
this entire house in two hours?
Oh, pu-lease.
Danny, we've been workin' here. Check the statue.
Okay, I'll do just that.
Get my trusty rag out here.
Okay.
A little wax in his ear, but, uh, not bad.
Okay, let's move on.
Jesse, I believe your job was to clean the fireplace.
Special helper, white glove, please.
My pleasure.
We never clean at my house.
We move in, trash the place for five years, then move out.
Okay, here we go. Just check in here.
Huh.
Well, what do we have here?
Yes, what do we have here?
It's just a little soot.
Just a little soot?
Did you hear that, Michelle?
I'm afraid I did.
You know, I've been making random inspections
of every room in the house.
And so far I've found the following:
mold, mildew, fungus, soap scum.
[GASPS] Not soap scum?
Yes, soap scum.
Ooh.
Guys, come on.
Once a year I ask you all to roll up your sleeves
and really do a job on this house.
If you do a job, you give 100 percent.
Otherwise, let's not do a job at all.
Okay, let's not do the job at all.
[ALL CHATTERING] Oh, come on.
I know you don't mean that.
You all take as much pride
in a clean house as I do.
Let's get back out there and really clean.
And when you're all done,
I got a special surprise for you.
You're taking us to Happy Mountain?
No, it's even better than that, honey.
I'm putting new shelf paper
in each and every one of your closets.
Yay!
What?
[♪♪♪]
Everyone, come in.
I have to tell you something. What?
Come on. What is it?
Is it just me, or is Dad worse than ever this year?
Hey, there's nothing wrong with your dad
wanting to be a little clean.
All right, wanting to be very clean.
All right, he's a psycho with a dust mop.
It's not just the cleaning. He gets so carried away.
He's the only parent who packs a coaster in your lunch.
What about all his rules?
Does it really matter if you chew
each bite of food 24 times?
Yesterday, I only did it 22,
and let me tell you, it felt good.
Well, your dad does like to pay attention to detail.
Every detail. On every subject.
In the universe. Mm.
What drives you crazier? His stories or his rambles?
What's the difference?
Here you are.
Did we forget today that it was spring-cleaning?
That's another thing.
He turned our sweet little Michelle
into a junior neat freak.
Do you really care if the inside of the chimney is clean?
Yes, I do. And so does Santa Claus.
She's totally brainwashed.
Everything should be washed. Now, let's get busy!
Poor kid. She's really turning into Dad.
Yeah, before you know it, she's gonna start rambling.
Making up crazy rules. Making stupid schedules.
The last thing we need around here is another Danny.
I hear ya. BECKY: Yeah.
[♪♪♪]
Dad's coming down.
Line up for inspections.
Do we line up by size, alphabetically or by age?
IQ. Joey, you're at the end of the line.
Okay, everybody,
stand up straight and look clean.
Ready for inspection, O prince of tidiness.
Here's your white glove.
Uh, I won't be needing that, honey.
There's not gonna be any inspection.
No inspection?
Dad, we just cleaned for four hours.
Well, thanks, but--
Look, I'm gonna take a little drive
up to the mountains and just do some thinking, okay.
So I'll be back later.
You guys just have a nice day.
[♪♪♪]
Attaboy, Norman. You're doing great.
Boy, the guy at the Rent-A-Burro place was right.
I'm glad I sprang for the midsize. All right.
Keep going. All right, you made it.
Good boy.
Ooh.
Oh, yeah.
This feels great.
I'm gonna start riding a burro to work every day.
Oh, man, would you look at that.
Come here, Norman.
Right there is fine. That's fine.
You know,
I've had a lot of time to think today.
Oh, man, what an eye opener.
You should've been in that closet with me.
The people I love most in the world think I'm nothing
but a compulsive, neurotic, rambling jackass.
No offense.
How did I get so messed up?
I guess it goes back to my mom.
On my fifth birthday she gave me my own set
of vacuum cleaner attachments.
[SIGHS]
She used to call me her special helper.
Oh, my God, that's exactly what I'm doing to Michelle.
She's-- She's probably gonna grow up
and write one of those tell-all books, Daddy Cleanest.
I gotta make some changes in my life.
Norman, thanks for listening to me, buddy.
I guess you get a lot of guys
who come up here just to talk, huh?
Hey, if you're ever in San Francisco,
drop by for some cappuccino, okay?
Isn't this view amazing?
Oh, man, nature is just so beautiful.
[INHALES AND EXHALES HEAVILY]
It's so-- So natural,
and yet... so dirty.
Look at this. There's dirt everywhere.
Look at this mountain, Norman.
It's just one big pile of dirt.
But do you animals care if the forest isn't vacuumed?
I saw what you did on the trail back there, Norman.
For you guys,
nature is just one big restroom, isn't it?
You know what?
From now on, there's gonna be a new Danny Tanner.
Somebody who everybody likes and they wanna be around.
Norman, it's the dawn of a new man.
Yeah, natural,
spontaneous, carefree...
primitive.
[IMITATES TARZAN YELL]
Join me, Norman. Join me.
[IMITATES TARZAN YELL]
[BRAYS] Come on, Norman. Chime in, baby.
[IMITATES TARZAN YELL]
All right, boys, come on, crawl for your daddy, okay?
See, it's very simple. It's--
Right hand, left knee.
Left hand, right knee. Very simple.
Let's take off. You guys wanna race?
Here we go. On your mark, get set, and we out of here.
Let's go boys. Okay, boys, come on, come--
BECKY: Look, Joey.
Jess learned to crawl.
Oh, what a good boy.
I just wanna see my kids crawl.
Is that too much to ask for a father?
Jess, look! What?
[BABBLING]
JESSE: Look at this.
My boys are crawling. They're mobile.
All right! They're not just lumps of potatoes anymore.
They're-- They're actually like little Slinkys.
We're gonna have to babyproof the house.
That's all right, we'll dig their little gates out.
Good goin', boys, all right!
You're such a good boy.
Guys, do some laps around the playpen
until we make this place safe for you.
D.J.: Dad's back!
STEPH: Yeah, we just saw him pull up.
I'm home.
Hey, Danny. How you doin'?
Whoa. Whew.
Dad, someone has to say it. You don't smell good.
Honey, I-- I smell like nature.
Like the mountains and the trees.
You smell like a donkey to me. Heh.
But, hey, it's just great to have you back.
[COUGHING]
Ah, don't worry about it.
There we go.
Danny, aren't you gonna pick that up?
Sure, next time I go out.
You see, everybody, I've changed all my priorities.
You can say goodbye to Captain Clean,
because from now on
I'm gonna live my life totally natural.
Hm. Naked?
Oh, great, potato chips. Thank you. I'm starved.
Mm. Thank you.
Who the heck is that guy?
[BOTTLE CLINKS]
A man works up a powerful thirst riding a burro.
Dad, you're drinking from the milk carton.
You said that was illegal.
Well, the new law is, "Hey, it's cool."
Danny, were you kidnapped by the Grateful Dead?
[CHUCKLES]
Hey, who's the tall, dirty guy...
[SNIFFS]
...who smells like a donkey?
Hola, Gibblerito.
Is that really you?
I'll find out if it's the real him.
The real Danny Tanner would not tolerate...
a nice glop of chocolate on his nice clean refrigerator.
There you go. What do you say to that?
What do I say to that?
I say, hey, it's cool.
Okay, yeah, that's fine.
But what if somebody a little less mature came along
and turned that little glop of chocolate into a smiley face?
Daddy, do something. Joey's making a mess.
I'll do somethin'.
I'll add some hair. There we go.
All right. Perfect.
I'll find out it it's for real.
Okay, Mr. T, have a cow and toss my rear out of here.
Ah, Kimmy, I love your high jinks.
Daddy, you're scaring me.
Oh, don't worry, honey.
Your dad's just a fun-lovin' guy,
not some psycho with a dust mop.
Come on, everybody. Why don't we have some ice cream?
That'll be fun.
Here we go. Everybody, grab a spoon.
No dishes?
No, sweetheart.
We're gonna eat this right out of the carton.
Mm. There you go.
This is very wrong, but I'll eat it.
Dig in. Come on, you guys.
[♪♪♪]
Oh, man.
Fix this. Here we go.
All right. Yeah. That looks a lot more natural.
Okay.
Dad, what are you doing?
Oh, I'm, uh-- I'm unorganizing my closet.
What kind of nut lived in here, huh?
Hey, Danny, back in the kitchen when you said:
"Psycho with a dust mop."
Where'd you get that from?
Oh, I don't know.
Yes, you do. You heard me say it, didn't you?
Okay, uh, look, I was, uh,
putting shelf paper in D.J.'s closet
when you all were having your little family meeting.
Ouch.
Listen, Danny, we're sorry. We're embarrassed by that.
We didn't mean those things we said.
We were just letting off a little steam, that's all.
No, no, what you said was true.
And... you hurt my feelings,
but I'm glad I know how you really feel about me now.
And I've changed.
Let me show you.
Watch this:
no more baking soda in my sock drawer.
There you go.
You girls have a brand-new dad.
I don't want a new dad.
I'll chew each bite 24 times, just like you said.
I just want my old dad back.
So do I.
Who cares if you're a neat freak?
If it wasn't for you, I would never make my bed.
Me neither.
You guys really mean all this?
Danny, of course we mean it.
You keep this family running.
Yeah, you keep us organized.
I mean, there's nine people living here.
Without you, it'd be total chaos.
You know, I think I went too far the other way.
I gotta find a balance
between Captain Clean and Sergeant Sludge.
And could you help Michelle find a balance?
Today, she made my bed, and I was still in it.
Yeah, I guess I better have a talk with my special helper.
But you know what, I gotta vacuum up this baking soda first,
'cause it's driving me crazy.
Now, listen, before you do that,
just do us all kind of a big favor.
Take a shower.
Okay. I'll be right out.
[♪♪♪]
Michelle, I think we have to have a little talk.
I lined up all my animals. They go to little, to big.
Look, sweetheart...
Why do you want your animals like that?
Because they're neat and they're clean,
and that's the way you like 'em.
Sweetie, come here.
Honey,
I think it's wonderful
that you want things neat and clean.
But sometimes your dad likes things
a little bit too neat and too clean.
And too much of anything is not good.
Even ice cream?
Yes, even ice cream.
Maybe you should be a little less like your dad
and maybe a little more like your sisters.
You want me to be a slob?
No, I don't want you to be a slob.
But just because your dad likes things neat and tidy
doesn't mean you have to be exactly like me.
I just want you to be Michelle Tanner.
I can do it.
Aw, that's great, honey.
Now, are you sure you want your animals to sleep like that?
Could they sleep on my bed with me?
Yeah, but only if you get in it.
Go ahead. I'll throw them to you.
Okay? Okay.
Here's Blinky and Pookie.
Here's Jimmy.
Okay, there's little Joel bear
with the beautiful little blue ribbon.
[♪♪♪]
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪
[♪♪♪]